Magpies and me: An Ongoing Saga
If you ask me, the most terrifying movie of all time is Alfred Hitchcock’s “The Birds”* (you know the one where flocks of birds, for no apparent reason, start attacking people in a small seaside town). It is scary because in my life at least, it is based in truth. Those who know me will have heard of my long and fraught relationship with magpies - more specifically my history of being attacked by magpies to the point that I have a well-developed phobia about them. Although the word phobia is a misnomer because it implies it is an irrational fear. I think my fear of magpies is completely rational because what’s not to fear about a reasonably sized bird flying at speed towards your head, cawing loudly in your ear, flapping its wings madly and basically using everything at its disposal (including its claws and beak) to warn you out of its territory? “Its territory” - that’s the magpies’ story anyway.
A quick (but not exhaustive) search of Google shows that while there are many species of magpies throughout the world, only the Australian magpie is homicidal. Honestly is there no end to the ways in which Australian native animals can injure or kill people? But back to magpies – they are the reason for the Australian innovation of having cable ties sticking out from cycling helmets (I wonder what visitors to our shores make of this sight…). They are also why you’ll find websites dedicated to mapping areas where magpie attacks occur throughout Australia’s suburbs. They include a red icon to show you where the real arseholes are (and, if you are me, avoid those areas at all costs).
Discuss this with other people and they’ll recount with a chuckle about the time they were swooped. Really - just the one time? In my life I can recount five attacks by magpies, not to mention the countless times I walked home from school through a park/magpie territory while holding only a tree branch for protection. I’ve also had to watch over my shoulder as a magpie stalked me, flying from electricity pole to electricity pole, watching to make sure I left its territory. I have concluded that there is a wanted poster of me at magpie headquarters. I have no idea why as I have never ever done anything to them. That’s right - I have a Kafka-esque feud with magpies.
As a result of this vendetta, I have become something of an expert about the territorial behaviour of the Australian magpie. It occurs during mating season (spring); only males attack and less than 10% of the male magpie population arepsychopathic thugs display this aggressive behaviour. I think I’ve encountered a disproportionate number of this minority.
Several years ago, as I was walking up Cairns Terrace in Red Hill (I mention the street deliberately because I’m sure this magpie had a reputation) one afternoon the resident magpie swooped down on me three times (including scratching my head with its claws). Then a few months later on New Year’s Eve (outside the usual danger period), the same magpie (I assume) got at me again in one of the side streets. This time it actually made me fall over. As I reached over to pick up my sunglasses which had fallen off when I fell, this little bastard stood in front of me squawking, with its wings extended, its beady eyes watching me as I scrambled to my feet. I have no recollection as to how I got home.
It gets worse - a couple of years’ ago in the street I live in currently - yes they found out where I lived!! I have lived there for several years without a problem so had been lulled into a false sense of security. I walked up my street, minding my own business when a magpie dropped out of nowhere and started with the flapping and the cawing. I turned on my heel and walked as quickly as I could back to my place (I had not got more than 10 metres up the road) and as I walked up my drive way and got to the stairs (so my territory) this psycho bird took another shot at my head. Once I had calmed down I realised my route to the train was part of the territory. Would work understand if I didn't turn up for a couple of months due to being in a siege situation ? (I ended up taking a detour through a back street which resulted in being swooped by an Indian myna bird. They aren’t as bad as magpies and it wasn’t even the first time I had been swooped by something with a yellow beak - when I did a bit of research I found out that mynas aren’t known for attacking people but they are known to copy the behaviour of other birds…at this point paranoia took hold of me). For the next few weeks from my front window I would see people suddenly popping umbrellas on sunny days as they made their way up the street. So word had got around about the threat of avian violence. And it wasn't just me.
I contacted the relevant government department and was sent a reply saying that magpies are protected and the department’s advice was to encourage people to live in harmony with the state’s fauna (really? Has anyone told the magpies??). They also said they could send me a sign to put up in my street to warn people about the magpie menace I mean presence. If I wanted the magpie relocated, I would have to pay for it. I’m a peaceful person and I am happy to live and let live but if those magpies aren’t meeting their end of the bargain...anyway, someone else must have paid for a relocation because it has never re-appeared.
Anyway, the reason I have written this is because a few days ago I was discussing my fear and how it developed with my physiotherapist and in this discussion I may have described magpies as evil and psychotic. When I returned to my car, my windscreen resembled a Jackson Pollock painting (bird poo on windscreen, as it would be described in a gallery). It was like they knew I was talking about them**…
* That said, the film that kept me awake at night was the truly spooky and unsettling unsung classic “The Innocents”, made in 1961 and starring Deborah Kerr with a screenplay by Truman Capote.
** I have no idea as to the species of bird that did this but at the windscreen bombing I’m sure they are all in cahoots.
A quick (but not exhaustive) search of Google shows that while there are many species of magpies throughout the world, only the Australian magpie is homicidal. Honestly is there no end to the ways in which Australian native animals can injure or kill people? But back to magpies – they are the reason for the Australian innovation of having cable ties sticking out from cycling helmets (I wonder what visitors to our shores make of this sight…). They are also why you’ll find websites dedicated to mapping areas where magpie attacks occur throughout Australia’s suburbs. They include a red icon to show you where the real arseholes are (and, if you are me, avoid those areas at all costs).
Discuss this with other people and they’ll recount with a chuckle about the time they were swooped. Really - just the one time? In my life I can recount five attacks by magpies, not to mention the countless times I walked home from school through a park/magpie territory while holding only a tree branch for protection. I’ve also had to watch over my shoulder as a magpie stalked me, flying from electricity pole to electricity pole, watching to make sure I left its territory. I have concluded that there is a wanted poster of me at magpie headquarters. I have no idea why as I have never ever done anything to them. That’s right - I have a Kafka-esque feud with magpies.
As a result of this vendetta, I have become something of an expert about the territorial behaviour of the Australian magpie. It occurs during mating season (spring); only males attack and less than 10% of the male magpie population are
Several years ago, as I was walking up Cairns Terrace in Red Hill (I mention the street deliberately because I’m sure this magpie had a reputation) one afternoon the resident magpie swooped down on me three times (including scratching my head with its claws). Then a few months later on New Year’s Eve (outside the usual danger period), the same magpie (I assume) got at me again in one of the side streets. This time it actually made me fall over. As I reached over to pick up my sunglasses which had fallen off when I fell, this little bastard stood in front of me squawking, with its wings extended, its beady eyes watching me as I scrambled to my feet. I have no recollection as to how I got home.
It gets worse - a couple of years’ ago in the street I live in currently - yes they found out where I lived!! I have lived there for several years without a problem so had been lulled into a false sense of security. I walked up my street, minding my own business when a magpie dropped out of nowhere and started with the flapping and the cawing. I turned on my heel and walked as quickly as I could back to my place (I had not got more than 10 metres up the road) and as I walked up my drive way and got to the stairs (so my territory) this psycho bird took another shot at my head. Once I had calmed down I realised my route to the train was part of the territory. Would work understand if I didn't turn up for a couple of months due to being in a siege situation ? (I ended up taking a detour through a back street which resulted in being swooped by an Indian myna bird. They aren’t as bad as magpies and it wasn’t even the first time I had been swooped by something with a yellow beak - when I did a bit of research I found out that mynas aren’t known for attacking people but they are known to copy the behaviour of other birds…at this point paranoia took hold of me). For the next few weeks from my front window I would see people suddenly popping umbrellas on sunny days as they made their way up the street. So word had got around about the threat of avian violence. And it wasn't just me.
I contacted the relevant government department and was sent a reply saying that magpies are protected and the department’s advice was to encourage people to live in harmony with the state’s fauna (really? Has anyone told the magpies??). They also said they could send me a sign to put up in my street to warn people about the magpie menace I mean presence. If I wanted the magpie relocated, I would have to pay for it. I’m a peaceful person and I am happy to live and let live but if those magpies aren’t meeting their end of the bargain...anyway, someone else must have paid for a relocation because it has never re-appeared.
Anyway, the reason I have written this is because a few days ago I was discussing my fear and how it developed with my physiotherapist and in this discussion I may have described magpies as evil and psychotic. When I returned to my car, my windscreen resembled a Jackson Pollock painting (bird poo on windscreen, as it would be described in a gallery). It was like they knew I was talking about them**…
* That said, the film that kept me awake at night was the truly spooky and unsettling unsung classic “The Innocents”, made in 1961 and starring Deborah Kerr with a screenplay by Truman Capote.
** I have no idea as to the species of bird that did this but at the windscreen bombing I’m sure they are all in cahoots.
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